“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
felt that
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
We need it on priority
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.