Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT