I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Guys which shade of gery should I get
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Spa day..😅
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me