I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
