I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My what?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.