I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.