I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)