Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?