I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
thanks auntie mary
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
