Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

🤣😂🤣😂

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

ㅤ

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?