“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?