“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise