Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.