Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

rise and shine we got egg

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.