i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police