Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Worth a try

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.