“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4