“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You Might Also Like
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
#Caturday
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk