I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
