Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]