I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
You Might Also Like
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses