Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.