I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Rather alarming headline…
Lmao
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig