I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
This 4th of July, please remember…
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Childbirth is so beautiful
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.