Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

moms in horror movies

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*