I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON