Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

how much does a mortician urn in a year

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!