I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Two types of dogs.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors