I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You Might Also Like
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG