I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die