[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Does beer think about me too?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining