I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
🙅🏻
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together