I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
You Might Also Like
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The real reason evolution started..😂
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
#TopTip
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.