I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade