Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.