Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Cat is stressing him out.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆