Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Straight people are cancelled

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*