Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.