Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

technique

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.