I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
no!! no!!!!!!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence