Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

tag yourself

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.