Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I would move hell over six inches for you

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough