I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Go gym
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
