I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
absolutely not
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie