I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already