Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Sorted

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up