I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
i want the dreams to chase me for once
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
United Steaks of America
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.