I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Vodka burrito was a success
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers