Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio