I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
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I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?