Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

This is me 🤣🤣

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”