Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

😏😏😏

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word