“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Good morning.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
