I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
OH. COME. ON.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”