I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You Might Also Like
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Eat…
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Put a ring on it
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.