Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.