I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Weighing up my bread heating options
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house