Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today