I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*