I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.