Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

What do you text your spouse?

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture