I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
You Might Also Like
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)