Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

finally

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.