I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Friday
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!