Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.