“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!