Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

scenes of unspeakable carnage

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

the three branches of government

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Bond. Trauma bond.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

🤣🤣

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals