Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Message from the dog groomers

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: