I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…