17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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No one told me my life would become so much googling it
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.