Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.