6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child