Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Cha-ching is my safe word

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

shit just got real

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

thats my bad

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.